A few weeks ago I directed a photographer friend of mine to my website so she could check out my Flickr photostream. I talked to her afterwards and asked her what she thought. “It looks great!” she said, and then added, “you sure have a lot of pictures of yourself!”
“Yes, I do,” I had to admit sheepishly. And then when she asked where I got all those pictures of me I had to admit that I in fact took most of them myself.
I really can’t count the number of times I’ve had a conversation similar to that one since I’ve started directing friends and family to my website. And every time I wonder… should I be ashamed of my self portraits?
And I’ve decided that the answer really lies in what my motivation is. Is it merely vanity and self-gratification that drives me to put these pictures of myself on the internet? No, I don’t think it is—but I can’t ignore the vanity that lies behind this whole endeavour: the blog, flickr, everything.
It would be so easy to gloss over my vanity—to give it a nice label like “healthy self esteem*” and move on, satisified with my ability to explain myself. But if I am perfectly honest with myself, I can’t ignore the jealous, prideful vanity that sits like a warty toad at the bottom of my heart. Because that’s exactly what it is: black, festering, scabby, sinful, ugly VANITY that, but for God’s grace, would probably crawl out of my chest and swallow my life whole.
And it’s this vortex of vanity that makes me yearn for recognition from other people… that motivates me to put pictures and stories on the internet that will gain me that recognition. It’s what leads to putting other people down to raise myself up, and to putting my desires above God’s because I know better. Even self-deprecation is another form of vanity (what a paradox).
And, if you are honest with yourself, you will find this vanity in yourself too.
So, in the light of this regrettable truth about human nature, is it possible to justify self-portraits? Blogs in general? I honestly don’t know. Maybe not.
But I said that I don’t think it’s merely vanity that motivates my self portraits. And I meant it—whatever vanity may be motivating my photography, there are equal parts desire for creativity also motivating it. I can tell you that when I did the photoshoot of myself that yielded my about page pictures, I really was not thinking like a typically vain teenage girl (although I admit to thinking that way for many of my pictures). I was thinking like a photographer—trying to portray my subject in the most flattering light and catch the best expressions.
Is that vanity? Maybe. It could be. But if it is, it is vain in the same way that taking a portrait of any other person would be vain. Of course, perhaps the desire for creativity is ultimately rooted in vanity anyway. But that is a much stickier, more complicated question than I intended to get into tonight.
So I guess I don’t have much of a conclusion—this is not a closed book in my mind. I am interested in others’ thoughts on this subject. Feel free to say “you should get rid of all those pictures of you” if that is really what you think. But be prepared to back up your argument.
* I think there really is such a thing as “healthy self esteem,” but it’s so thinly seperated from vanity that I would not trust myself as a sinner to draw that line.
Update: Thank you all for your thoughts. I highly recommend you read through the comments on this entry if you have not already. I just wanted to add that my friend Deanna wrote a post on this subject today, and I think she managed to communicate a lot of what I was trying to say but didn’t. 
July 29th, 2006 at 4:05 am
I think your pictures are really wonderfull. I take pics of my self also, and I guess it’s because It’s easyer to pose for yourself then infront of another person… Don’t get rid of them, SHOW’EM OFF!
(ps. Welcome to Random Shapes!!)
July 29th, 2006 at 4:13 am
You’re so wise for your age.
Really, I think bloggers can do more in the vanity department and it doesn’t come off that way because when you read a person’s blog long enough you can figure out pretty quickly whether they’re actually a vain person, have short vain moments, or if like you, they’re just creative and learning and expressing both by using the tools they have - themselves.
July 29th, 2006 at 8:16 am
I’ve thought about this a lot myself. I’ve always considered personal web pages and/or personal blogs to be somewhat arrogant(You wouldn’t ever make a newsletter about yourself, for example). But if you can can keep a righteous shred of humility and make light of the inherent arrogance, I think you can get away with it.
http://ian.gowen.ath.cx/images/genius.jpg
July 29th, 2006 at 10:18 am
Good question. I, personally, think it’s fine to take pictures of yourself, but it’s not something I would suggest doing all the time. It would probably get boring after a while anyway. And I don’t mind seeing a picture of you every time I visit - I mean, it is about you, right? Basically, if somebody doesn’t like the fact that you take pictures of yourself, then they don’t have to come here.
BTW - Egad - You wrote this at 3:13 A.M.? Now I know why I saw your light on at 4:15 while I was delivering your guys’ paper.
July 29th, 2006 at 1:51 pm
The sin of pride is something we are all guilty of and something we have to be aware of. That means that blogging is inherently dangerous because it is our blog! Of course, I don’t mean to suggest that blogging is sinful, but merely that we do have to beware of where our heart is.
If you want people to check things about because you think you have something to offer, that is great. If you want people to check things out because you think you are the best and are willing to tear people down, then that probably isn’t the best…
Since I only “know” you from you blog, I don’t think you have to really worry about excessive vanity or pride. And I have never heard anyone complain about any of your photos because, really, there is nothing to complain about. I would just say “keep it up” and be true to yourself (and God) and you won’t have to worry too much.
Ok, that became very long winded and you probably already know it all already… so yeah. Sorry!
July 29th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
Self portraits are really interesting because it brings you on the other end of the lens to see how it feels and what it takes to be photographed. Plus you take a great picture that the world should enjoy!
July 29th, 2006 at 2:31 pm
ok, I’ll come just right out and say it: there can never be enough pictures of redheads. There. I said it.
In all seriousness: It’s your weblog, your flickrstream. Do whatever you want with it
July 29th, 2006 at 4:12 pm
Heh, I would have to agree with Harold.
July 29th, 2006 at 4:54 pm
Actors have headshots, myspacers have blurry pics in bathroom mirror, bloggers have flickrstreams.
You gotta show what you look like in the real world, otherwise no one would know who runs this blog … for all thye know it might be a middle-aged dude named Roy who watched the same episode of anime every night!
…. maybe that’s an exaggeration, and didn’t have much to do with your post (because you were talking about the photos being vain, not if you should have them or not .. ) but I stand by my comment. Keep ‘em.
July 29th, 2006 at 6:35 pm
I strongly disagree with your comment about the desire to be creative a form of vanity. While that may be the case occassionaly, it is only so when that desire is evilly twisted from its original pure form.
The deisre to create is a gift of and from God. It is not only an ability he gave to us, but a way we honour him. God created everything, designed the Earth from the magnitude of setting it on its course in the cosmos to the fine hairs on a bee. Our response to that is to create. If we are created in his image then to be like him we also are creative.
If we ignored our creative drive how many pieces of music would be missing, how many great paintings, how many architects? I don’t think we can survive without utilising our creativity, and I think that was directly given from God. It is akin to our ability to rationalize - what sets us apart from animals. Because we can choose to create, and in many different forms, we are unique.
Don’t stop creating.
July 30th, 2006 at 10:48 am
Interesting bit of thought - something with which I wrestle from time to time. I set aside the notion of vanity and chalk it up to that very human need to be loved.
Of course it is wrapped up in egocentric things. It feels wonderful when someone says you are beautiful, funny, or desirable, or when you receive several hundred E-mails about a story you’ve written, or dozens of comments on photos posted on Flickr. It is, tho, just a sip from a sweet spring that never quenches a lifelong need.
It is interesting, that even in religious contexts, ego is often encouraged to be set aside. An example, giving of gifts. In many Jewish and Christian traditions (as well as others) gifts are encouraged to be given in a way where no thanks can be given - to take the ego out of the giving. The thought is it is a more “pure” form of giving, when it is selfless.
That said, we still have to come to terms with ourself, and with others. And probably only those that can completely accept ego, can accept who they are, are the ones that can best move beyond it.
Good luck on that journey, Erin.
Dan
July 31st, 2006 at 2:22 am
I too have come to the realization that being creative is an act of pride, however, I have been recently thinking that no act I have ever taken had been wholly without sin twisting it in some way. If I am right, then all we can do is be glad/hopeful that one day things will not be this way and try our best to minimize our inherent sinful nature.
Cheers,
Joe
July 31st, 2006 at 1:21 pm
It’s good to know that you are comfortable enough with yourself to post your mugshot for all the world to see. Not only once but multiple times over. Now if it’s a sin to be vain as you seem to be calling yourself, well I see it as small beans in the whole scheme of things. If that’s as bad a person as you are, then I hope you don’t run into any actual bad people to corrupt you.
Please continue to create wonderful work and don’t over analyze or question the reasons behind them ^.^
July 31st, 2006 at 8:48 pm
Random comments from a random person who was googling something completely different and found your site.
You have the most beautiful red hair (jealousy?) and your photography skills are excellent! Take care.
August 1st, 2006 at 7:57 am
Reading more comments…
Phil, I think that art is a proud act. And I don’t think we should stop because of that. We just need to keep it in mind.
Making art and putting it on display is like saying “My art is worth your time, your interest. It’s worth your precious time to view something that I think is important and/or beautiful.”
Art is vain. Artists just have to deal with that.
August 1st, 2006 at 12:40 pm
hmm…the comment sounds too familiar for it not to have been from me and our last conversation.. so I feel compelled to respond. Off the cuff, I would say clearly, that in no way did I want to embarass you when I remarked on your self portraits. However, when I study artists, often one will see self portraits done over the years and span of their life. For me it is a glimpse not only into the evolution of their talent but also into the changes they see in themselves. It is an autobiography of sorts. I could say more, but please know that in my humble opinion, people who choose to be introspective as part of their journey are far more interesting than people who don’t. The examined life is the road less travelled and does call for us to see ourselves in light of our creator and the world around us…and hopefully grow.
August 1st, 2006 at 12:49 pm
You’ve struck a chord, here, Erin. Very well done. I’ve thought along similar lines about my choice to take up blogging. You may see a connected post sometime. Thanks for your articulation!
August 2nd, 2006 at 1:04 am
Wow, you guys. Right after I put up this post I left for the weekend, and when I got back I was flabbergasted to find so many responses already. I have to say I am just thrilled and humbled by all the time and thought you have all put into your comments—you have definitely got me thinking more deeply about the subject and I want to thank you for your ideas. (And, as a side note, I think I have already discovered a small problem with my new design: the comment box is tiny! I can’t imagine how you all managed to type such long responses in that little claustrophobic box. I will remedy that soon.
)
I am glad to learn, from various people, that it is at least not annoying when I post self portraits. Actually, you all reminded me of another reason I put up pictures of myself: it helps me be myself online. I know that when I read other personal blogs, I love to see pictures of the bloggers. It makes me feel like I have a peek into his or her world; like he or she is really right there talking to me instead of being just a distant figure. Whatever it is I’m doing here at Lylium, I want to be honest and personal, and I feel like sharing what I look like with you is a healthy part of that. (Like several of you mentioned.)
Another particularly interesting thread of ideas that has come up here in the comments: the vanity (or lack thereof) of art. Philip and Cameron (shrimp), I would have to say that I agree… with both of you.
Phil, I think you articulated the God-given nature of creativity very well. He did, indeed, fashion us in His image—a large part of that image being our innate desire to create. But I also have to agree with Cameron that, because of our fallen nature, creation tends to be a self-centered process. Joe put it very well, also: “I have been recently thinking that no act I have ever taken had been wholly without sin twisting it in some way.”
Those were the big things I thought of in response to all of your comments. Here are a few more specific responses:
Ian - That C & H comic panel is a fantastic example. Thanks for sharing.
Ryan - You deliver our paper?? I never knew that. Awesome. You will probably see my light on many a time.
Matt - Don’t apologize, your comment was very thoughtful! I think the tiny comment box just made you feel like it was too long. Lol.
Dan - “It is, tho, just a sip from a sweet spring that never quenches a lifelong need.” Beautifully put. You have captured quite eloquently the essence of most pleasures in this life, I believe. Thank you for your insightful comments.
Joe - I didn’t know you were reading, but it’s good to see you here! (I see from your email address that you are the Joe I know from church.
) I completely agree with your comment—couldn’t have put it better myself.
Vu - Thank you for your kind words, but I am afraid I will have to deny your request.
As Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” I am not content to always act without ever examining my motivation, as I think none of us should be. Of course, those motivations are so often tangled up with multifaceted desires that I will never completely sort them out—but I think it is important that we try. And I’m afraid I don’t think sin is “small beans” in the long run. I’m not trying to be snarky, I just have to respectfully disagree. 
“Bella” - I see from your email address that you are, indeed, the photographer friend who I mentioned at the beginning of this entry. I’m not sure why you are calling yourself “Bellaartgirll,” but I will respect your desire for anonymity.
Rest assured, I was not offended or embarrassed by your question about my self portraits. It just triggered more thought on a subject that I had already been pondering. Thanks for your comment! I agree that self portraits can be very interesting from an artistic or philosophical viewpoint. I’m sure I will appreciate them years down the road as a window into my life now. 