Here I am sitting in my room amid piles of clean clothes and dirty clothes and luggage and explosions of hair accessories. I’m supposed to be packing for our drive down to California, but the whole night I have been hemming and hawing and subconsciously avoiding the urgent preparations beating down my door.
Add to that the pressure of all the pictures I haven’t posted (that you’ll love) and all the awesome things I’ve done (that I’d love to tell you about) and all the various responsibilities I’ve accumulated (that I’d love to fulfill). Since the Webvisions conference I have attended two country weddings and a birthday party, spent a weekend in La Pine, OR, and shot my first two professional photography gigs. Needless to say, my hard drive is sighing under the weight of all those unprocessed pictures that are just waiting to be distributed to clients and family members and my flickrstream.
But I really can’t ignore the fact that tomorrow at 9:00 AM my mom will expect me to pile myself and all my accouterments into the family car and drive with her down to the bay area.
So why am I sitting here writing instead of getting ready?
I’ll be perfectly clear: My grandmother (my mom’s mom) is, as far as any of us on this earth can tell, at the end of her life. She has been sick for several years, but now she is losing weight and vitality more quickly than ever before. She could have a few more months, but it doesn’t seem that way.
So Mom is making an unplanned trip down to California to see her. And I am going with her—partly because I managed to get the next week off of work, partly to visit my aunt, but mostly because… I think Mom will need someone there with her. This is not going to be easy.
Honestly, I am terrified. Fear is not Jack the Ripper or spiders or goblins. Fear is driving nine hours down to an assisted care facility to visit your dying grandmother.
Thus my subconscious unwillingness to fold my clothes into my suitcase and decide what to take with me. How does one prepare for a trip that is probably goodbye?
The answer: in some ways, one doesn’t.
But holding onto the fact that God is good and He is in control is helpful. No, it’s more than helpful… it’s everything. Even if this trip is endlessly painful and awkward and terrifying, He is still at the helm. And I’m counting on Him to give us strength when we need it most.
(I will be staying with my aunt and we will have internet access, so I will still receive any comments or emails while I am away.)
August 6th, 2006 at 5:34 am
When my grandfather was dying I was pregnant with my daughter, so much so that I couldn’t fly. I got the call a few weeks before my daughter was born and it was one of the hardest things for me to go through because I knew I couldn’t even go to his funeral. I know your fear because I felt it every time I went to see him in those last years. He was so frail and you just knew each time could be the last. I half expected him to go right there in front of me… incredibly terrifying. In the end, I wish I had spent more time with him. You have a wonderful opportunity here, not only to support your grandmother, but your mother as well. That’s a lot on your shoulders, I know. I’ll pray for peace – and for laughter – for all of you.
August 6th, 2006 at 1:02 pm
Shalom and blessings on your trip Erin. God will provide in your weaknesses and sorrows.
August 7th, 2006 at 12:46 pm
Thank you both very much. I really appreciate your kind words.
We arrived safely in California last night and right now I am at my Aunt’s house. I only saw Grandma briefly last night but so far it has not been as hard as I thought it would be. She was genuinely glad to see Mom and I, I think, so that made our trip worthwhile.
Even though this trip is for kind of a sad reason, I think that we will have some fun, too. Today my uncle (a big photography buff) is arriving and we’re probably going to go shoot some pictures. So that should be fun.
August 8th, 2006 at 7:38 am
Hey there babe,
I know this sort of thing is tough, you know I just recently went through the death of my grandmother. And even if stuff goes well and is relatively peaceful, death and dying are always things that on their own are serious and scary, even if you know they’re coming. So I won’t tell you that eveything is peaches and cream, because it won’t always be. It will be hard and scary, but you know what? It will be okay, and I know you know that. What a blessing it is to know that you are a strong and brave little red-headed girl who is finding strength in the most steadfast source of it – in the One who is a solid and immovable foundation for all those who hope and lean on Him. My prayers will be with you, you will find blessings in this time amidst the hardships
August 9th, 2006 at 9:16 pm
Air-Wren,
Hey red, how’s it going? California treating you okay? Sorry to hear about your grandma. Mine just had back surgery and we got a good scare when her fever spiked and she was… not well. I got worried, but then figured, “Hey, it’s my grandma. The lady is made of friggin titanium!” Anyway, I don’t think I’ve ever met her before, but I’ll pray for you guys down there. Tell your mommy hey, too. Maybe when you get back from cali, we could drag a wad of friends out to do something…? See ya erin.
August 12th, 2006 at 3:14 pm
Heads up: there’s an email message for you regarding Random Shapes business.