Today was one of those days. The kind of day where it was sunny outside but foggy in my head; where every glance at my piles of laundry and scatters of papers was not a reason to take action, but instead a reason to furrow my brow and feel sorry for myself. It was the kind of day where every single molehill, no matter how tiny, seemed like an everest-sized mountain to climb.
And I have oh-so-many molehills.
That’s the problem with these kind of days; they find me when I need them least. This is, has been, and I fear will continue to be my pattern for dealing with life. I roar ahead full throttle on projects that I care about until the details of my life come knocking at my door and my to-do list grows too long—and then I shut down. I can’t answer emails, I can’t work on photos, I can hardly bear to lift my head off the pillow in the morning. Wake me up when life is easy, please.
It doesn’t work, of course. This perverse determination to procrastinate is not the least bit relaxing; it gives me chills and makes me nauseous and feels like a hundred-pound weight on my shoulders. Please, Lord, hurry up and make life easy.
I won’t pretend for a moment that I’m proud of this behavior. It is sick and wrong and irresponsible. (If only correctly labeling it as such made it easier to stop.) But the sick, wrong, irresponsible truth is that my broken spirit often reaches this point of desperation; the point at which doing nothing seems so incredibly much easier than doing something.
And it’s at that point that I realize how much I need help; how much I’m not going to crawl my way out of this canyon on my own—little, tiny, powerless, human me.
Thankfully, we tiny, powerless humans are not alone. Which is good, because I don’t know if you noticed, but life doesn’t really get easy. But even though it’s not easy, it’s time… time for me to pull myself out of this mire of self-pity and sloth, brush myself off, and keep moving forward.
Please, Lord, help me keep moving forward.
September 11th, 2007 at 4:26 am
You read my mind, and then put it into words…an avalanche of life is just beginning to overwhelm me too, UGH! My past few days have just been spent dealing with it.
But that picture is AWESOME! I *beg* that you stop procrastinating so you can get back to working on your pictures to show us more!!
September 11th, 2007 at 6:22 am
You took the thoughts out of my head and put them into some seriously, beautiful words. I so appreciate your words and photographs.
September 11th, 2007 at 8:40 am
Erin, delurking to tell you that was an amazing post. You expressed this so beautifully; I had been feeling this way ALL SUMMER at work (haha, you thought it got better with age, didn’t you?!) Love your blog – good luck in the new school year!
September 11th, 2007 at 9:19 am
So beautiful and so true.
September 11th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Thank you, all of you; it’s really great to hear that this strikes a chord with other people.
September 12th, 2007 at 5:09 am
Erin,
Hope today isn’t one of those days – so you can enjoy your birthday! Happy Birthday; we’re thinking of you today.
September 12th, 2007 at 6:45 am
You’ve got a lot of friends, kiddo, as the many comments on this blog show. Rely on them — and the dozens that aren’t represented here.
September 12th, 2007 at 1:20 pm
I know exactly what you mean with this post. September blues, me and so many others I know have it right now. It’s made me feel slightly better that it’s not just me!
September 12th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
Today is your birthday, eh?
Have a great one!
September 12th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
Thanks for being gracious when I crashed your party. ;o) That photo is amazing. Happy twentieth year.
September 12th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
Hi Erin. Moving forward is kinda like walking, but each step requires us to decide what to take with us and what to leave behind.
On a more serious note . . . I was going to attend my procrastinator’s meeting but I’ve been putting it off.
Hope the school year goes well for you and your friends and you live more pictures.
September 13th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
I really identify with this too! I had so much work and so much to do in school it was really easy for me to just shut down (which often took the form of naps. or reading…) when it go overwhelming. which was often. Mom always encouraged me to think like Sam, when he and Frodo were about to enter the wastes before they got to Mt. Doom (or whatever it was called…). – The first thing to do is to get down this hill. After that, you can think about the next thing.
I think i too do specifically what you mention… too much work on projects that I want to do, not enough work on things i need to do. and then the gloom when i see the pile of “need to do’s ” that has mounted up behind me. ugh. strength for the spirit is needed in those times.
September 14th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
Whoa! I wrote a post exactly (but not as poetically) as this one today. Its good to know, I’m not alone, but it would be better if we all felt great again!
September 18th, 2007 at 8:16 pm
Since you’re usually very well-spirited, this was like a suicide letter. SCARY!
Keep going. You know what helps? One episode of King of Queens on tv.links in the morning and you’re good to gizzle.
September 20th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Erin, I know exactly how you feel. I’m undergoing a huge re-evaluation of my interests, priorities, commitments, etc. right now, and it is a terribly uncomfortable experience. I’m praying for both of us right now.
September 27th, 2007 at 3:50 am
You should be nominated for IBC at iblogcup.com!
October 1st, 2007 at 1:31 pm
*sigh* had to come back for a second look…
(and also to see if there had been another post :p)
October 10th, 2007 at 4:15 am
Hi Erin! I found your blog, um, well, I don’t remember how I found it, now. Ha. Anyway, I really like it! I listed it as one of my favorites on my site, just so you know. I love your heart, how you are unashamed to say you belong to Jesus, and your beautifully rich photos. You are very talented in photography! Keep using the gift to glorify God, and I know you will do that and bless many people! I wish (for only this reason) I was getting married again, so I could ask you to be our photographer – skinned knees and all! haha!
God bless!
October 12th, 2007 at 4:25 pm
Hey Erin,
How’s life in Sunny OR treating you? Hope you’re not too weighed down with school…
Nin
October 17th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Hey there… it’s Scott… we met back in August… was gonna drop you an email but realized you may not get to it for another few months since you’re probably super busy, but I just wanted to let you know I’m throwing up a prayer for you. I feel ya. At the moment I’m feeling a pain of the opposite kind – nothing is happening – but I’m hopeful things will get moving soon.
God bless!
November 3rd, 2007 at 8:17 am
I’ve noticed you haven’t posted in a while. I hope you are well and you’re finding the strength you’re looking for.
“Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.” Isaiah 48:10
November 8th, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Hang in there, kiddo.
November 9th, 2007 at 12:34 pm
Hey, been quiet over here. Hope you can continue blogging as I always enjoy your intrinsic musings!
November 10th, 2007 at 10:01 am
Ditto to the above. I miss your postings, but I hope you’re getting lots of stuff done.
December 17th, 2007 at 9:41 am
Whoa! Pretty new banner! You must be done with schoolwork!
December 17th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
I was also pleasantly surprised by the new art, but didn’t want to be the first to admit that I still check in almost every day even after three months of silence.