I am tip-toeing to the edge.
I am standing on a precipice.
I am overlooking an uncertain future.

Every future is uncertain, but sometimes it is more obvious than others.

It may not seem uncertain. I do know (as much as we can know): when I’m graduating (hopefully), who I’m marrying, when and where I’m marrying him, and where we will live.

But I don’t know: when I will be done writing my thesis, where our money will be coming from, what it will be like to be married, or what it will be like to live on our own. I don’t even know what tomorrow will bring, let alone the next new, uncertain year. I suppose this is part of the faith we’re asked to have—faith that tomorrow or the next day will not bring us more than we can handle.

I tend to underestimate what I can handle, though, so often I look at what the day has brought me and assume it is too much. Like today, when Gil assured me I could squat the weight he had put on my shoulders, and I whined and whined that I could not possibly, until I finally tried a little harder and did it. God does that to me almost every day; you would think, by now, I would have learned to not whine and to just push—but no.

Speaking of days, they are rushing past. Every morning I wake up (unwillingly) and stare down a marathon to-do list. I have to make choices like: will I work on my thesis, or will I do the reading that is due for this afternoon’s discussion? Will I chat with friends today at lunch or will I work out, since it is the only time today I can possibly do it? I hate that these are decisions I must make. I wish I could take everything just a little bit slower. I wish I could take spoonfuls of these last school days and roll them around on my tongue like the chocolate ice cream I just remembered I have in the fridge. Instead, I am gulping them down, because it seems that is the only way to fit everything in them that needs to be done.

I wish, I wish, I wish… and yet, I know I can handle this too. It may not be easy, it may not be certain, it may not be picture perfect, but it is a part of this life I am living, and it is full of blessings I forget to remember. Lord, help me remember. And help me push.

… does not mean it is not toil; that life is toil does not mean it is not beauty.”

-  Anonymous

When you are my brain, and you are (supposed to be) writing, you…

… take pictures of the books you should be looking through…

… find yourself captivated by every person you see, every blog you surf to, and how the light plays off of everything around you (including your feet by your window)…

… and you chase wispy ideas around and around until they either hide forever in your nooks and crannies or manage to find their way onto the page.

And, in the meantime, you apply yourself to every possible project that is not the one you must turn in. (Poems? Written. Websites? Designed. Wedding details? Attended to. Room? Organized—and then unorganized again. Emails? Responded to—mostly.)

Sound familiar? Please tell me I am not the only one who operates this way.

And now… back to the attempt. Wish me luck, and determination.

“To dream about losing a tooth represents man’s innermost worries — concerns about dying, aging, weakness, destitution and loneliness.”

- dreamforth.com’s dictionary entry for “toothless”

… In that case, I suppose dreaming about losing multiple teeth means that you are well nigh dead from worry?

This is my new recurring nightmare. I actually dreamt it twice last night, both times totally convinced that it was real—that this time my teeth really were falling out and we wouldn’t be able to get them back in. These dreams usually include a rushed trip to the emergency room, or the emergency dentist (I’m not sure if emergency dentists really exist), or the emergency something.

Now, to be fair, last night was also the first night that I had worn my retainers (which are supposed to be worn every few nights) in a couple of weeks. So it seems reasonable to infer that the aching mouth I woke up with this morning could have had more to do with those dreams than “concerns about dying, aging, and weakness.” But the dark streak in me finds that interpretation appropriate nonetheless.

How about you? Have you ever had a teeth falling out dream? Did you derive any meaning from it?

_______

Just for fun, two songs about teeth:

Happy Monday!

The last several days have, in many small and somewhat insignificant ways, reminded me of the Creator’s hand in our lives.

This is the smallest and certainly most insignificant example, but it is the only one of which I have a photo.

I found these adorable teacups and saucers (and a creamer, which you can barely see in the background) for 25 cents each at St. Vinny’s today after stopping there on a whim; I also found a couple pairs of pants which fit marvelously (a precious occurence). Thank God for little miracles.